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kitsune-cross

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Hey guys, it me and my words again, I hope I'm not bugging anyone with this.
Lately I've been feeling down, as if no one cared about me. I know that's not true, but the thought just keeps coming back. Like, why am I even here? I know there's always some one better who could replace me in a heartbeat. My heart tells me that everyday. Sometimes I wish someone would just sit there with me, we wouldn't even have to talk, their presence and warmth would be enough. Heck, I can't even do it anymore. I know my friends have bigger problems to handle than my loneliness, so I don't want to talk to anyone. To me it seems selfish.
I've started to take things into my own hands too, I'm a smart cookie, and I know to stay away from drugs and alcohol, so I do. 
But when no ones around, I get the biggest urge to scar myself, hit, bite, and scratch. 
I know my friends do it, and I tried to be that,'innocent friend to confide in', but I'm too afraid to sound like a whiney brat, so I've sewn my mouth shut. No one can know my true feelings. I've even come to find my mom suffers from depression too, so talking to any parental figure is out of the question. Just like my dad. My dad, now here's something I think is a big contribution to some of my problems. He is in jail now, but when I was a little one, he did some awful things to my older sisters. For some reason, they apaulled me. They treated me so meanly, but I still love them.I thought it was normal to grow up in an environment where everyone disliked you. Being bullied as a grade schooler didn't help either. Even my ' best friend' liked my sister more than me. It kinda made me a little sad. I'm as nice as could be, yet I'm still hated by some of my friend's parents.
We almost got in a car wreck today, and half of me was hoping I wouldn't make it. That was scarier than the thought of crashing itself. Sorry for such a long rant, I'm kinda surprised if you even made it thus far. I have a lot more I want to say, but I don't want to waste your time. 😐 until next time I guess
 
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IDEAS!

2 min read
OK guys, I know my past fanfiction was written when I was younger, so it wasn't the best, but I've improved!
And now I'm taking requests for any hetalia, Host club, homestuck, mlp,  ect.
I think I'm better in the area of reader inserts, but I can do other genres too!
I can take specific types of characters too if wanted, just try not to genderbend a whole lot. (Sorry, Im still working on getting genderbent characters down)
Just note me, or ask on my profile!
I'll most likely get back to you the same day, I'm on here all day.
Oh, another thing, I can also draw ocs, characters, mostly animals and things that aren't human, so if you'd like me to draw, or digitally make some art, just let me know. I appreciate all of you who are reading this, and I hope I get some feedback from you soon. I will also send the requester a link to the deviation once posted, just so you don't miss out. Anyway, I'll be checking my notifications Every day.

Until them my lovelies,  keep being awesomely creative!


Oh, I forgot to mention, NO LEMONS.
sorry, but if I ever got caught, It would be not good. Plus I'm no good at them, I've tried...
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Hey guys, just some of my insignificant views of my life.enjoy-dont enjoy, it doesn't matter, I just want to know that someone's listening. Even if its strangers./

Well, I've been in this loop of confusion and depression lately. Sometimes I say its all in my head, that I only want attention.
for some reason my anxiety has also gotten worse. I don't know who to turn to for advice. My mom has a plate full already, plus I've told her how I had felt before. But if it truly helped, I wouldn't be here would i ? I don't want to concern anyone with my Insecurety, I know that they have their own problems. I used to have a big group of friends, but recently I turned them away. I found out they were very vengeful and were planning to do something to one of my old friends and past crush. I just can't handle all the drama, its unpleasant. So now I'm thinking about leaving friends altogether. and even if I said how I had felt, I'm afraid they would be like," that's so funny, I can't see you as depressed. You've always been there to cheer me up when I'm sad, you'll figure it out yourself! "
That or overly concerned, that's just annoying. EVERYTHING has been irritating me lately. The only thing I want is to curl up in my bed with an endless supply of snacks and read fanfics and watch anime. Its better than watching TV. That just makes me feel lonely. I'm used to being alone, I don't like people, I can't trust too many humans. Well, I'll say more about how I feel later. I'm in class right now.
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It was 4:43 in the morning, I lay on my stiff mattress. Blank... My mind was always on the move, but not now. My mind was focused on one thing, blocking my parents out... Yep, they were down stairs fighting again. What were they fighting for? Heck I didn't know.
           The reason they were fighting so early in the morning though, I knew. My mom just got home, she works the night shift at a pizzaria. She's always jumpy and tired, sometimes irritable.
    5:06…
                   I got up, they usually argued for about 20 minutes, sometimes over the stupidest things.
       I brushed my messy cyan hair,  it was soft since I had just washed it. I got on my baggy blue jeans and large dragon hoody.
                          I grabbed my school bag and my skateboard, silently leaving through my window, I didn't want to deal with my parents today. I had about two, three hours until school,so I decided to skate around.
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She sat near the  trees on the other side of town, crying, "why am I not good enough the way I am, it's like I'm in a mascaraed ball, fighting myself over how I should stand," she continued to cry. It was an action that came naturally to her, although that specific action was expressed alone. "Even when I try to fake, I know I'm just another mistake. That's how I truly inside, I tried to call my friends for help, but in this mascaraed ball, I feel they don't see me for whom I truly am, but only the costume that I wear." She continued in pure self regret, to cry a stream of pain and pity. She had felt this way for all her life, the pain that stabbed her like a knife, waiting for the final blow.
         When she was alone, she felt tortured. When she was in the most pain, she would smile as wide as possible.
         She would always insist  that she was fine, when she did though, she did not think that her physical being would portray the opposite. " oh! How I wish it would all just drain out of my mind, so.ewhere along the lines of guilt and hate for myself.
And with the ground and the sun may I also die." She said in the most honest way that could ever be.  Her life was a mascaraed ball.
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